Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Love My Boring Life, But...

So, I really try my very darndest to make sure I keep my little world in check. I try to be kind to my husband (even when he sucks, lol), take care of my kids the best that I am able, be a good friend to those who are good to me, work hard, get good grades, etc. I have my little life, with my immediate family, that we have created, pretty well figured out.

But every time it feels like we are going to catch a break, something throws it out of whack. This past week has been one of the hardest in my memory, and strangely, it has NOTHING to do with me or Stu or our kids (or Jasper!). When things that are so far outside my life effect me, it makes it even harder to know what to do, or how to feel, because there is nothing I can personally do about it.

A few days ago, one of my brother's friends (and a kid I have known since he was little, I knew his Dad well...) sadly chose to take his own life. It has been devastating to the high school kids in my home town right now, and since it was so close to our family, it is almost all I have thought about since it happened. I am confident that if he could have seen the outpouring of support and been able to see what his friends and community have said and felt about him, he never would have done this. But that's what is so heartbreaking about it, there is no going back. I imagine my own kids and the struggles they will face in their lives and it literally hurts my heart for this boy's family to even think a child could be hurting so much that they would think this is the only choice. It makes me hug my own kids a little tighter, and makes me want to remind every kid I see that "it gets better". High school is nothing compared to real life and if you can just stick it out, you'll see how big and opportunistic the world really is. It's just so, so sad...

On top of that, my Jackson has yet another ear infection, so we all got nearly no sleep last week, which only compounded the stress and raw feelings. That poor baby. I feel so bad for him. I can't just explain to him what is going on and I can't comfort him much, it just sucks having a sick baby. Then, there is some more crap that is outside of my control, but well within my realm of pissed off, that is going on in my extended family. I am growing some serious feelings of resentment and raw anger about the issue, but again, there is absolutely nothing I can do. I do have a feeling this is going to completely change my relationship with some people that have loved me since I was tiny, and I am not sure how to deal with it. Especially since, while it seems to be pseudo-public, there is a great deal of secrecy going on and I hate every second of it. Anything that keeps me up at night has no place in my life, but this isn't something I can change or just get rid of. So I am stuck with it it seems. That's uncomfortable to me.

Looks like I am just terrible with change. Heh.

We've also been considering (though leaning toward the "no" side) going back to the UAE again. There are nearly no jobs to be had here (that can support our family) and we are running out of options to ever move forward (with our lives)to anywhere than stuck where we are. (I believe it was William Blake that said non-movement was the ultimate fall of man...) People say that we're in a good place for our age, etc, but the day-in, day-out process of never moving forward while I miss my kids growing up is very hard for me. I doubt we will go (especially with the unrest and radiation, etc that is going on over there right now), but it is difficult to be able to quadruple our yearly income, while enabling ME to stay home with our kids, and not take that opportunity. I am sure we will keep you posted.

In the meantime, here's hoping things can get back to some semblance of normal and things outside my control can stop rocking my boat.