Worked it out.

As part of my New Year's Resolution (which, to save time for those who don't remember and don't want to go back and look, is to put myself higher in my priorities list. "A focus on me."), I have been trying to consciously do some internal reflection. Who the heck am I anyway? I mean, after so many years of HUGE changes in my life, so much became only about other people and about experiences, and life markers, that I really had lost sight of who I am as an individual, independent of anyone else. Now I am finally starting to take some of that back and know more about who I am.

And one of those things might still be, under all these pounds and years of non-use, "athlete." Today I had a break-through moment in my exercise plan. Thus far, exercising (and I have been doing it for a little over two weeks now, every day) has been PAINFUL. Not just something I didn't really want to do, or mildly uncomfortable... but actually painful. I mean, let's face it, since we moved back from overseas (October of 2009), I have been either pregnant, caring for a newborn, or... well, the past 15 months (I have some excuses for why I am still fat from Lila after all this time, but that is all they are, excuses). I have NOT exercised, and if I did, it was intermittent and painful, so it didn't last long.

Now, let me preface my "moment" by also adding that, as a result of not working out for so long, it has taken my joints and limbs some time to get their rhythm and alignment back into a some-what normal place. I didn't realize how off my basic balance even was until I started doing this.

So, my break-through moment. I was on the treadmill and instead of painstakingly counting down the minutes, I had been going for twice the amount of time I had FINISHED at when I first started, and I was having fun. Legit fun. Not like, "Wow, I sure feel good after I work out." I mean during. I was laughing at my husband, joking and being silly with him(Ok, mostly AT him, because he was being a grouch), singing, and gasping for breath as a result, while sweat dripped off my red-hot face.... and I was freaking digging it. I decided to go for as long as I could today, instead of holding myself back with a set time and I went for twice as long as I have in the past decade (I don't count my cheerleading era as part of "ever", otherwise, I will probably never get back in "the best shape of my life").

So, things are going pretty well. The exercise is a great aspect and one which I now am proud to say I look forward to (who the fuck IS this person saying this???) and I am sticking to my diet (strict calorie counting) and seeing the pounds drop away (of course it is WAY slower than I'd like to see because there is SO MUCH to lose, but it is what it is. I'll get there.

And as far as mentally, this is a good step for me, because I have to admit, I've been going through a weird place. Today especially. In fact, if we are being perfectly honest (and for the sake of argument, let's say we all are), today was freaking tough. Those days were the rational part of your brain is nowhere to be found and you find yourself drowning in some silent sorrow only you know about. It sucks. And it is so isolating. But I think I've worked out what I had going on (as well as I can in a day... Rome and all that), and I can breathe a little easier without feeling quite so crushed. So, one day at a time is my current motto, and it is going great, if I do say so myself.

Here's to self-discovery and being confident in the things I KNOW I am, while I find out what else is in there. :)

School starts again in a few days, and I will again being adding "student" to the following list, but I think I am prepared to rock this semester, and this year, and make some things happen (especially for ME).

I am a Mom, wife, lover, sister, friend, sole provider for my family, and overly rational realist, but I am always working on keeping that last part in check. :)